On Being an Autistic Troublemaker

 There's a reason why I relate to Tuco from 'The Good, the Bad and the Ugly'. He's not perfect. He's violent, self-centered, rude, mouthy, garrulous, quick-tempered and generally lacks social skills. He has many positive qualities, but he's not labeled "The Ugly" for nothing. All of his qualities, positive and negative, have resonated with me from the moment I first watched the film. I was Tuco. I regretted not realizing this years ago, and if I had, even if my emotional experience had been different, I would have felt a sense of relief while watching his story. This revelation that I was a lot like him is why I was so shocked, as well as pleasantly surprised, that my film 'Force of Habit' was a finalist at Autism Uncut. Usually, the autistic people who get rewarded for their efforts, especially the autistic women, are pleasant, docile and charmingly quirky. I admit to being jealous of the selected Autism Ambassadors from various charities. I'm not a model or an actress, but a typical overly emotional artist.

I have spent my life being viewed as a troublemaker and I have come to believe it. I could have stopped to think that I was being misunderstood, but that didn't fit in with the emotionally secure society of the 2000s. I was always getting in trouble in school and with my family.

I tend to hurt others' feelings, even if there are times where I don't mean it. Often I would say something because I think it's funny, and people would misunderstand, which is strange, because usually people understand everything.

I get stressed easily, because I have physical impairments such as low pain tolerance, sensory sensitivity, dyspraxia and a lack of a sense of time, and I lash out at whatever is around me. You understand why that last part makes me a Tuco Ramirez fangirl. 

My need to have control in my life has caused me to be viewed as a brat. Maybe I am, even though I never intended to be one.

I embody everything that is ugly about autism, and that is not necessarily a bad thing when it comes to activism and advocacy. Even parents with misbehaving autistic children can lay claim to their children's innocence. I can be understood without being innocent, because I'm an adult and should know better. 

I don't have the social skills to be an ambassador, but I am no less autistic than Christine Martin McGuinness.